Happy Sunday -our weekend is almost over 😳
I thought today, since it’s still January that I would focus on a subject I think often on. Perfection-what a lie.
We have been told throughout our lives that it’s possible to be perfect, each January many people talk about their New Years resolutions and how this year will be different and they will really do it right.
I actually don’t believe in being perfect. I don’t even hold much to New Years resolutions.
The idea of perfection is such a lie-none of us are perfect and we all make mistakes -often in one day! Thinking we have to be perfect can overwhelm us and lead to feeling shame about our imperfections or compare ourselves to others we “think” are perfect.
Life isn’t about being perfect. It’s enjoying the moment we are in and often remembering when we make mistakes to try and learn from what happened.
Failure is a good way to learn and gets a bad rep. I think failure is more important than perfection. Failure helps us learn what works, what we are good at, and what we need more practice in life. We all fail in life, we make mistakes, and hopefully we learn.
I’ve learned to be more gentle with myself and remember I don’t need to be perfect. I try to be kind to myself and others and I think the rest works out.
None of us are perfect. Let us NOT strive to be perfect.
It’s getting close to the New Year and I want to leave you with a few thoughts consistent with my last post.
In treatment with my clients lately I’ve been focusing on helping people increase their awareness of shame and how to combat it. Shame keeps us stuck, it keeps us from reaching out, it tells us we are not enough, we are not important. Shame is paralyzing and keeps us isolated.
Many people deal with depression and suicide thoughts and feel ashamed because they think that there is something wrong with them, they think this is something they deserve, they are suffering in silence and it is not necessary. According to the National Institute for Mental Health shares statistics that 17.3 million adults had at least one major depressive episode (2017-data courtesy of SAMHSA). Depression is no respecter of persons; these numbers indicate anyone is vulnerable to develop depression whether it is situational or genetic factors.
Situational depression can affect people through illness, marital change, employment change, or death of a loved one; even a move away from loved ones could affect developing depression. In addition trauma can affect a development of depression too.
There isn’t a reason to be ashamed for having depression or suicide thoughts. These things affect many people.
I suggest listening to Brene Brown on YouTube; she has a couple of really excellent TEDtalks about shame and vulnerability. These are also very popular, getting millions of views. She emphasizes the way to overcome or silence shame is to be vulnerable. As a therapist I see this meaning: talk to someone about your struggles. Find social support somewhere that you can speak openly about your struggles and discover that YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
PLEASE REACH OUT IF YOU ARE STRUGGLING- it works.
The holidays can be a difficult time for many people and sometimes those suffering can experience thoughts of suicide or self harm.
Here are some ideas to help if you’ve had these thoughts: I’ve coached many clients to manage these distressful thoughts by using DBT skills and it works very well!
When first experiencing suicide or self harm thoughts can be very painful and distressing, use the TIPP skill (temperature, intense exercise, paced breathing, or paired muscle relaxation)
Temperature-hold an ice cube or dunk your face into an ice/cold water bowl for at least 5 seconds.
Intense exercise-run on a treadmill or outside for 3 minutes at a full sprint.
Paced breathing-deep breathing -slowly count to 4 as you breathe in, hold your breathe for 4 seconds, breathe out for 4 seconds and hold for 4 seconds-repeat for a couple of minutes.
Paired muscle relaxation-starting from your toes- tenae every muscle group for 5 seconds and then release- moving you to your head and face.
After having done all of TIPP, people are usually quite tired and in a different frame of mind but just in case…get involved in an activity with a friend, do something kind for someone else, connect with someone who loves you… and always important: make sure you get enough sleep, nutrition, exercise, and medications if any are recommended for you along with meeting with a professional.
I hope these tips (haha TIPP) help anyone who struggles in this area. Know you are important ❤️
So last night, I had to unwind before going to bed. Work this week was not a pleasant experience. (For some reason I feel like work should be fun! It shouldn’t be work, I don’t know where I’ve got this odd idea)
My Oprah magazine came in the mail and I thought I would read a bit to focus on something else!
I found an article on Menopause and thought I would see if there’s anything in it to help explain WTH my life feels the way it does 😂😆 I was genuinely curious.
So, to give a little background. Thursday in heading in the door to work and finding out there isn’t an office – I felt this crazy surge of rage (and freak I’m not an angry person) and an image popped into my head of myself “throwing my metal water bottle at the speed of light smashing through the big glass window” in our main front office-WTH is wrong with me??
Anyway, back to my magazine and article on menopause. Did you know, unreasonable anger is a symptom of menopause?? When I read that, I thought you gotta be kidding me!! All this time I wondered if I was going crazy or if I was a bad person or somehow I’ve been crazy all along. Trust me, these are odd thoughts for me as a therapist but this totally makes sense to me.
There have been soooo many times at the checkout or in traffic or at work that I just feel outrageously angry and I never knew this is normal for a woman going through menopause.
First off, it might just be lucky that we don’t have many menopausal women going postal out in public cause I’ve managed to control my flash of anger but how is everyone else doing it?
Holy cow, wouldn’t it be nice if someone let us know this is what to expect when we will never be expecting?? Hopefully one day my hormones will settle down and I’ll be my normal self again.
Hello friends and happy Tuesday! I hope you all had a great holiday weekend!
I’ve been thinking about life challenges and want to share some of my therapist views …for free ❤️
I think life is hard at different times for all of us and we might often feel like a failure if things in our lives don’t go as we think they “should” or as we “expected”.
At times like these we feel a failure. BUT it’s super important to remember that feeling like a failure-is a feeling and it’s not a fact. Shoulds, expectations, and comparisons are not helpful in our lives, are actually detrimental, and cause us to second guess ourselves and our value as human beings.
One of my favorite TED talks is “How to Practice Emotional First Aid” by Guy Winch. It’s amazing and I’ve shared it with many clients. Look it up-live it.
When we feel like a failure, we normally stop what we’re doing. We give up; then that emotion wins! It’s just an emotion.
As long as we keep pushing toward future goals, we never fail.
If you feel like a failure, just remember I am rooting for you. We are all doing the best we can. You are not a failure.
Guy Winch-Ted Talk Emotional First Aid
I thought I would share some of my difficulties lately and how I’m dodging the punches.
Someone very close to me is involved in the dissolution of her marriage due to a emotionally abusive spouse. Her spouse also knows my ex husband (I divorced him about 17 years ago).
I have found out that her husband and my ex shit talk about me throughout some family events (involving my adult children and grandchildren- those are most events I continue to be around my ex husband). I also found out that my ex inquired (to the person close to me) wondering if she was being unduly influenced to leave her husband by someone he did not name (I’m guessing it is me) and I have been super angry and negative being re exposed to abuse and emotional manipulation by my ex husband.
I have a difficult time managing this again, the negativity and emotions this stirs up is overwhelming for me.
I have a stressful job and do not need the additional negativity that this information affects me.
How do I manage? I have been focusing on things I can control to help myself. Can I control other people? No. Can I control outside events? No. Does other people’s shit have anything to do with me? No. If someone else is a douche, does that have to affect me? No.
Can I control what I focus on? Yes. About a week ago, I was listening to a podcast of Rachel Hollis interviewing Brendon Burchard. I was so impressed I subscribed (it’s FREE!)to Brendon’s podcast “The Brendon Show” and also bought his workbook “the high performance planner” and his book “High Performance Habits”. In 2018 Brendon reads his whole book as part of his podcast (so you can listen to his book for free!) and it’s so inspiring. It reminds me to live according to my own values. I especially like the planner and the ways I daily remind myself to set an intention, remind myself the person I want to be, a way to demonstrate excellence to myself, ways to coach myself through the day and ways to determine if I have been successful in my day (along with three goals to keep my focus every day).
This has been a huge support in dealing with this new situation and previous triggers from my abusive past marriage.
If any of you out there are struggling, I strongly suggest looking this up and listening. Everything will be ok, you can do it, you are strong enough, you are smart enough, you matter, you are important.
Happy New Year friends! Seriously this is what I thought last week! (I have this thing against odd numbers!) but seriously I experienced some unexpected difficulties at work which hijacked my whole week of blogging and life as a hopeful-positive person. Life is hard sometimes but then I just have to keep going right??
So I thought instead of focusing on the negative parts of my week, I would share another closet shopping trip!
It started out as a cold day! Which should have clued me into the negative storm heading my way, but I digress…..
So I wanted to wear some warm leggings (sequin leggings from Express last year are what I decided on😂) YES Then I paired them with a thermal black shirt (tip for dressing warm) and a leopard dress from ASOS last year. I added my leather looking sneaks and my (actually this is new) deep green leather like moto jacket with faux fur collar from Express (at least it was 50% off) and a cute appliqué bag I snagged from Charming Charlie’s a couple years ago.
I stayed warm, I wore a flippin cute dress, and if you looked close- you could see sequins peeking out as I went about my work day. That’s almost enough to balance out a bad work week right??
(My week in emojis)