Category Archives: All About Me

Cha Cha Change

So I went shooting last night with my two sons. I haven’t shot my handgun since fall of 2021.

I am a better shot now; it seems like surgery on my neck made me more stable/improved my stance. I hit the center of the target twice at 6 yards and just off the center twice at 10 yards which is improvement for me!

There is a downside; since surgery I can’t bend my neck. Ya know cause it’s fused. So I can’t hold my son’s s&w 22lr with my neck bent to my shoulder along it to sight (I don’t know if that makes sense)? I held it against my shoulder and could only shoot away without knowing where I was shooting. I hit the target once (outside of any circles, just at the edge of the paper) out of 24 shots LOL.

So since I can’t shoot shot guns or rifles anymore-at least I can’t “sight” any of those-I might have/need to get another handgun-just for fun. Last night was fun and distracted me from some distress at work which was real nice.

Happy weekend everyone!

Journal and journal

So last night at 1130 when I still couldn’t sleep; I got up and started reading my journal that my grandma gave me when I was 12.

I wrote everyday from 1978-1984. I was about halfway done at 130 and finally fell asleep.

It was fun reading about my life when I was 12; many things I had forgot. I was almost embarrassed at how immature I was at, well honestly 12 but how mature is a 12 year old anyway??

Most embarrassing is the number of young men I had crushes on during these years. I probably had a crush on every boy in a 60 mile radius. A common theme was- I wore a blue shirt today-he wore a blue shirt today-this is a SIGN! MFEO! 😂 (made for each other if you didn’t know)

It was hilarious. And some parts sad.

I wrote about President Reagan getting shot

I wrote about my grandma being diagnosed with cancer

I wrote about my parents calling to the house from Salt Lake City telling us (me) that dad’s cancer had returned and being worried

I documented three of my younger sisters births (I am the oldest daughter of 7 girls)

It was amazing to read 7 years fly by in the blink of an eye (ok several blinks but it went by fast)

I have not journaled for many years but I am rededicating myself to writing again.

I think I am around 12 in the first picture below. The next picture is 1984-I am on the top row in the middle of my sisters. The next picture is two of my journals (not to be read by others until I’m dead 😂)

Shaved or Wigs?

So now that I don’t have incredible neck pain (it’s just really stiff but I do have pain if I’ve held my head up too long-I’m building my stamina 😂) that contributes to arm and leg pain; I’ve got a conundrum. Do I go back to wearing wigs since they don’t cause pain or do I stick with my silver shaved hair??

The last year or so, it’s been really painful to wear wigs; they caused headaches and severe neck pain. I got comfortable with my gray/silver hair that I get specially shaved at my favorite barber. Sometimes I have him etch designs in my scalp.

I love my wigs! I have two beautiful red wigs that have almost purple hues. I have two blonde wigs; one beautiful bleached wig which makes me feel like Marilyn Monroe. And the other a California blonde shoulder length. One wig that is brown with highlights and it’s quite long. One black ear length wig. And one sandy highlighted shoulder length wig. So I have lots of variety in my wigs which is fun.

I wore wigs because my hair just kept falling out and it was super frustrating and emotionally painful. Then I couldn’t wear wigs because it was physically painful-GREAT.

So I found someone to cut my hair stylishly and super short. It worked! And I’ve really grown to love my gray hair. I’m not sure it’s super feminine but I’ve made the best of hair loss.

What to do?

I always liked dyeing my hair and experimenting with different colors. Wigs let me do that along with different lengths. And now wigs are more expensive than I’ve ever seen.

I won’t get rid of my wigs but maybe I will wear them every once in a while when I feel the need for a change. I still love my gray/silver hair shaved hair!

Let me know in the comments which is your favorite!

I am alive

It’s been a long time since I posted I know! That’s sad enough but I’ve been in pretty bad pain most of the last two years.

I finally had surgery on my neck the day before thanksgiving (it’s not my favorite holiday so there!) surgery went well except for recovery. I developed dysphagia which is difficulty swallowing-and it was so hard eating oatmeal, pudding, jello, and soup for FIVE weeks. Yuk

Some people thought that was a good way to diet but personally I would rather be able to eat and recover.

I would also like to walk, to hike, to play, and to work. Can’t do those things without food, friend.

Now that I can eat, I am slowly getting stronger. I can walk (I’m still a little slow) but with hardly any pain! Yay!

And I want to put some ideas on paper about upcoming New Years resolutions. I want to walk, hike, bike, and play more in 2022 than I did in 2021! How’s that for resolutions??

(I know you want to see a picture of my neck X-ray). It’s so cool.; it shows three discs replaced and a piece fused (see the screws) to my neck. The bottom picture is my incision right after surgery so you can tell it’s getting better already, yay for resolutions!

Torpedo Tube

Yes I had an MRI today

I wasn’t that worried about it to begin with because usually they ask if you want something to calm you down. Today I did; I thought it would cause me pain to lay on my back that long.

But I got there and they said “oh we don’t do that anymore”! You are kidding? The comfort and peace of your patients is no longer important? No it’s not.

Okay so I didn’t start to freak out until 5 minutes before.

And the MRI was for my lower back so I knew I was going ALL THE WAY IN.

I practiced my mindfulness deep breathing and somehow made it through with only a (felt like) bruise on my head and foot/nerve pain like always.

I’m really proud of sitting in the torpedo tube for 40 minutes and returning without any permanent harm due to my wildly creative imagination.

Strange Medicine

I saw a new doctor last week; to have a nerve induction study. It’s to rule out a nerve autoimmune disease.

They strapped electrodes to my feet and legs and zapped me. It’s not as fun as it sounds. And to top it off, the doctor and his assistant come back after 10 minutes outside the door and he tells me: “I want you to know that I KNOW your pain is real”. (I had a mask on so they could only see my eyes or they would have been able to read the expression on my face which essentially said “no shit Sherlock”.

He went on to say that I needed treatment from a neurologist and a psychiatrist to treat my pain (that’s not in my head) and to help me with CBT- (hint-therapy) but he doesn’t know me and doesn’t know I’m a therapist.

He doesn’t know that I’ve been to therapy this year talking about two deaths of clients (past client and present client), trauma in my family, death of a friend. He doesn’t know I practice a lot of self care, I read, I shoot, I talk about my worries, i get my toenails done, I meet up with friends, I practice a great deal of skills that I teach my own clients. He doesn’t know I work, and I’m highly efficient at my job, and he doesn’t know I detach when I leave work.

He doesn’t know I haven’t weighed myself in years, I try to notice my thoughts and don’t buy into judgements about my weight, age, and hair even though I live in this society/culture which only values women for their appearance. He doesn’t know I’m intelligent and a high functioning adult.

I have one more appointment with this doctor this week to test the nerves in my upper body-but NO my pain is not in my head. Thanks for giving me your opinion after meeting me ONCE, for ten minutes, and not asking me any questions about my health. When I do an assessment with a potential client, I spend up to three hours interviewing them and then up to two more hours writing up my recommendations. Pardon me if I don’t appreciate your ten minute assessment of my whole life.

Thanks for listening to my rant. I think it helped.

Ma’am Do You Know How Fast You Were Going?

So I was driving to Jackson Hole, my son was in the car, and we had fallen behind the family wagon train (so to speak). We got to a section of the road that is two lanes. My son said “pass em” to the two slow cars in front of us. So I did.

My husband calls my car a rocketship. The rocketship accelerates pretty quickly and soon I was ahead of the two cars-but then heading towards us in the other lane was a state trooper. I immediately knew I was busted-he flipped around quickly and turned on his lights.

“Connor! It’s all your fault” and slapped my sons leg as he is laughing hysterically (almost the whole time).

I pulled off the road before the trooper even got to me because yeah it’s obvious he’s coming for me.

He walked up to the car “ma’am do you know how fast you were going”? I said I thought it was about 80. He replied “thanks for being honest, I clocked you at 74”. “Do you know the speed limit on this road”- and I honestly didn’t. It had been maybe three years since I was on that particular highway. “It’s 55”-yikes

I told him it was my son’s fault-that he told me to pass the cars-while my son is still laughing.

He asked for my license and Ins and registration. I knew I had my gun in my jockey box (I drove to Wyoming by myself and won’t be one of those women out in the middle of nowhere unable to defend herself) so I was trying to get my license and concealed carry permit out quickly because my son was also opening the jockey box and I knew my gun would slide out!

It didn’t seem appropriate to yell “don’t open the jockey box! My gun is in there” to my son, so I quickly said “I have a weapon” as I handed the trooper my license and concealed carry card luckily before the gun rolled out. (I also couldn’t remember the wording a person is supposed to use when letting an officer know you have a weapon. I was a little anxious. My first stop since getting my gun.

Luckily he didn’t feel threatened and thanked me for letting him know. Asked if it was loaded and I said no, it just has a clip in but… couldn’t remember what it’s called and he finished my sentence-“doesn’t have one in the chamber” and I said no.

He went back to his car to decide my fate. I was just thankful I wasn’t going to jail for saying “I have a weapon”!

Connor is still laughing his head off and I start laughing too. He didn’t know my gun was in the jockey box and we thought of all the problems it could cause just rolling out as the officer is standing there.

The officer returns and says “I’m doing you a big favor, you aren’t getting a ticket but you’ve got to slow down”. I asked him if he could make my son stop laughing and he said he couldn’t do anything about that unfortunately. He told me to avoid caving into peer pressure 😂 and wished me a good day.

Peer pressure🤨😂

Swimsuit Triggers and Focusing on Joy

Here we are: summertime, swimsuit time, and it’s hard to let go of judgmental thoughts of my body.

I remember the first time being worried about wearing a swimsuit. I was at a youth activity (maybe I was 14?) at a pool about an hour away from home. For some reason I didn’t have a suit, so my mom gave me money to rent one. Yikes a rental suit.

It was a one piece with huge cut outs on the sides and I felt super self conscious wearing it.

I’ve always been very physically active so I’m guessing I looked fine. I don’t have the wherewithal to make that judgment looking back and that’s ok. I did struggle with acne -seems like I did forever (obviously that’s not a fact) so I had judgements about my face.

Every summer I try to find a swimsuit I can feel comfortable and try not to judge my body. I play in the pool with my grandkids, I play in the ocean, I play in the lake, I play in the sprinklers. I love the water-I wear lots of sunscreen because the rosacea on my face doesn’t like the sun but I love the water.

The last couple of years I’ve purchased two piece suits to practice nonjudgment about my body; plus it’s easier to find separates that fit my top and bottom better.

Here’s another summer where I am triggered to judge my body as not good enough and I’m trying to be mindful of those old crazy thoughts (that are not facts) and in the moment to just enjoy the water. Just enjoy the water.

Here I am off Grand Cayman trying to hold a stingray

Here I am in Jamaica riding a horse in the ocean.

Here I am in Tulum Mexico in the prettiest water ever.

Yes I think it’s more important to enjoy.

I know who I Am

Last week I participated in part two of a training at my work for DBT with clients with psychosis.

The trainer was on zoom and next to her name was (they, their).

I made a comment on some content and the trainer referred to me and my comment as “they just said”…. I responded in private chat to refer to me as she/her yet the trainer did not acknowledge what I asked.

I was stunned. I was angry. I am not a they.

This goes back to an irrational thought I have due to my hair loss and my hair style -(not wearing wigs anymore because it causes me more neck pain and headaches) that I am not feminine “enough”. It’s an irrational “not enough” thought.

I know this is a thought and is not a fact. Logically I know this; and when this person referred to me as they, this thought raised its ugly head. It’s an ugly thought, it’s not a fact.

I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father who loves me. I know who I am. I am not neutral; I am a woman, friend, daughter, mother, and grandmother. I am worthwhile and important and that doesn’t have anything to do with my appearance.

I can note my appearance because my hair curls in the front like my dad, my lips have the shape of my mother, I have dark eyes like my great grandmother. My children have physical traits of mine passed on. My appearance connects me to my ancestors and to my progeny.

After this happened last Thursday, I had two strangers comment flattering about my appearance/hair and two people I know comment flattering about my appearance/hair. It reminded me that one person’s opinion is not a fact. I see this as a sign that my Heavenly Father knew my heart and tried to soothe my wounds and remind me who I am.

I KNOW WHO I AM

Therapist Difficulties

Hey friends

On Friday I found out that a recent client had committed suicide. This is a complicated emotional experience for me because he was a difficult client.

He didn’t want help, he liked his suicide thoughts-he romanticized them. He also had some narcissistic personality traits and tried to make everything a debate. Most times he wouldn’t do DBT (a therapeutic intervention for people with Borderline Personality Disorder and works very well with suicide and self harm thoughts), and he stooped taking his medication several times.

He left treatment with me when I told him he needed to have boundaries with a friend he often talked about suicide and self harm (glorifying and romanticizing) -they had both been in the hospital twice very recently at this time and I felt the risk was too high for me to be his therapist as he continued this friendship.

He wouldn’t accept my limits and left. He also was somewhat nasty to me as he left-I told him I wished him well and enjoyed getting to know him-he retorted “I wish I could say the same”-he was very mentally ill. And often destroyed relationships as a way to control how others felt about him.

I’m angry at him for not accepting help. I’m sad for his family-his sister found him. I’m sad sometimes that I work in this wonderful and terrible field.

Yesterday I (we) painted our bathroom-the second to last room in our project of re painting the inside of our house after living here for 13 years.

I did not once think of my work. I was on a ladder, I was sitting on the floor, I was going up and down my stairs and completely focused on the task at hand. I’ve never been so thankful to be distracted by hard work. What a blessing not to think about work.

Hard work is a blessing.