Here we are: summertime, swimsuit time, and it’s hard to let go of judgmental thoughts of my body.
I remember the first time being worried about wearing a swimsuit. I was at a youth activity (maybe I was 14?) at a pool about an hour away from home. For some reason I didn’t have a suit, so my mom gave me money to rent one. Yikes a rental suit.
It was a one piece with huge cut outs on the sides and I felt super self conscious wearing it.
I’ve always been very physically active so I’m guessing I looked fine. I don’t have the wherewithal to make that judgment looking back and that’s ok. I did struggle with acne -seems like I did forever (obviously that’s not a fact) so I had judgements about my face.
Every summer I try to find a swimsuit I can feel comfortable and try not to judge my body. I play in the pool with my grandkids, I play in the ocean, I play in the lake, I play in the sprinklers. I love the water-I wear lots of sunscreen because the rosacea on my face doesn’t like the sun but I love the water.
The last couple of years I’ve purchased two piece suits to practice nonjudgment about my body; plus it’s easier to find separates that fit my top and bottom better.
Here’s another summer where I am triggered to judge my body as not good enough and I’m trying to be mindful of those old crazy thoughts (that are not facts) and in the moment to just enjoy the water. Just enjoy the water.
Here I am off Grand Cayman trying to hold a stingray
Here I am in Jamaica riding a horse in the ocean.
Here I am in Tulum Mexico in the prettiest water ever.
I remember listening to Rod Stewart’s song Hot Legs at a youth activity at our local reservoir when I was maybe 15. I thought I did not have legs like that and never would have legs like that.
At 15 I judged my legs. I felt ashamed of my feet too-at size 10 feet I thought there was something wrong with me.
Now that I’m a little more aware of my judgements-I remember being involved in athletics-volleyball, softball, and riding my bicycle to work (3 miles? Each direction) every day in the summer. I’m pretty sure there wasn’t anything wrong with my legs. One summer I got an in park homerun at a softball tournament. My legs can run.
Now that I’m older, I realize my legs are still hot legs. I helped my daughter move last week-up and down stairs maybe a hundred times -filling a 26 foot Uhaul and unloading the same Uhaul. My knees work really well.
Hot Legs apply to anyone with legs. I’m so thankful I have legs that work.
Lots of women right now are on social media talking about their Covid weight and how they’re planning on, participating, or advertising a new diet.
I think we all need to congratulate ourselves for living in 2020. It’s been stressful, it’s different, sometimes it’s scary, we are isolated from other people, they are also weird natural disasters going on, along with political and racial conflict too.
Oh and masks! Wear a mask, don’t wear a mask. Who knows right?
Maybe it’s ok to say-Hey thank goodness it’s almost September and I’m a survivor. My body and my mind are strong and I can do hard things.
Isn’t this more important than the stupid number on the scale?
I am surviving 2020-that’s the most important thing.
Several years ago (actually about 2001) I was searching for my dog (Rufus) around 130am in my neighborhood with my (now ex) husband.
I ran out of the house in just a knee length T-shirt with no shoes. It was summer and I often run around with no shoes.
I couldn’t find Rufus and set back walking home. I was only about 3 blocks from my house (ex husband was on a bicycle looking) when I realized someone was following me. I turned around and a man was on the sidewalk nearby..I think he said “come here” and reached out to grab me. I jumped so far back and maybe I yelled I don’t remember. It was scary. I called the police the next day but nothing happened. I don’t remember feeling safe in my neighborhood again.
After this incident I took a Taekwondo class where I learned how to yell and punch. Who knew I had a hard time yelling?
Then a few years ago (again quite a few, this is 2007) I worked at our local State Mental Hospital graveyard shift. One morning around 6am-I am almost off -and as I walked out the staff door into the general patient area-a psychotic woman (much bigger than I) punched me in the face-between the eyes-(it did not break my nose but hurt like hell later and gave me terrible headaches) I cannot remember her punching me but found myself on the ground in the hall with her arm around my neck-choke style. Several staff members got her arms from around my neck and I stumbled to the staff desk.
A few years ago I called 911 because I could see a man beating up a woman on our street corner. I didn’t feel safe going outside in the middle of the night to confront someone.
As a woman (especially one getting older) I feel vulnerable and I don’t want to be beat up again or fear for my safety in my neighborhood or in the car by myself.
So the last few weeks I have been visiting my local Ready Gunner-and I’ve rented about 10 handguns deciding what I like and what I’m comfortable with. This last Tuesday I bought a Glock 43X and now I need to spend time at the range getting more comfortable with my new friend.
Over the weekend I had some fun at the wig store-Creative Wigs in Orem Utah.
I’ve been a little lonely ever since I got rid of my black hair, it is such a fun color; so on a whim I went to the wig store Saturday!
There were several women at the store who seemed to be supporting one older lady in a wheelchair. She seemed hesitant to get a wig although the one I saw on her looked so cute!
I started helping myself to the wigs displayed and tried some on at the stand next to the big group.
I found the one I liked ($125 too, what a deal! Along with being synthetic and heat resistant!)and an associate trimmed the lace around the face for me.
I went to pay for my gorgeous, curly, long, dark, lush prize and met this cute, older lady at the cashier. I told her she would love having a wig and it looked so cute on her! Don’t we all need a vote of confidence from a stranger??
I hope all of you had a good weekend! I had fun with my family in our annual Halloween party. Each of us makes some kind of ghoulish food that is actually edible and it’s super fun. We had this party on Saturday and it really made my weekend 🙂
I thought I would share something interesting I discovered last week. My granddaughter was doing her daily reading (she is a 4th grader and is supposed to practice her reading every day). She read Snow White aloud to me and then asked me what I thought.
Me being a therapist all of a sudden realized! Holy crap, what’s up with fairy tales? Here is a story of a woman who daily asks her mirror “who is the fairest”? as if that’s a contest one person can win. Then one day as she has aged, her mirror lets her know, there’s a new contestant and BTW you lose now, game over!
Really??? And to top that off, said older woman decides to pursue murder as a way of solving her problem of aging and not being the “fairest of them all”???
This sounds like a modern day problem, but I’ve heard this story forever. I’m just now getting a little bit of insight that we have some jacked up ideas in our culture…like women need to be beautiful and number one beautiful all their lives, like it’s a contest and winner take all, even to the extreme. That actually doesn’t sound like a fairy tale, that sounds like things I’ve heard for years. But this crap is what we’re also teaching our young people.
My granddaughter asked me what I thought of her reading and I told her it’s actually ok for women to age and it’s ok for someone to be younger and prettier than me. It’s a normal part of life and I’m happy anyway even if there is someone younger, (like everyone under 55) and prettier (that’s always gonna be a thing right? I don’t have to buy into that dumb contest), wrapping my arms around her mother and telling her I love that she is younger and prettier and it’s ok that she is and I’m ok the way I am….
And we don’t need to hire a huntsman to hunt down the competitor.
Boom (images are of the Disney Movie) and picture is me and my two daughters
Hey friends! Happy Sunday! I hope this post helps you ignore that tomorrow is Monday! 😊
I thought I would share something I discovered lately; it seems as if crop tops are making another splash into fashion. That is all fine and good if you are 24 (I used to think)-
A few months ago (really it was probably 6 months) I found the cutest crop tee -regular neckline) from Forever 21, it’s an army green with bold letters spelling “Chicago” and I just fell in love (plus it reminds me of my trip to this beautiful city)! It’s been in my drawer forever (you know I seldom get rid of clothes-just in case) and this week I was scrounging for something different to wear when I re discovered my crop tee!
Let me tell you how a crop tee works for someone my age…you wear high waisted jeans with it! And I also added a structured plaid jacket (I wore to work) so it seems very businesslike until you realize I’m wearing distressed denim and a crop top. It’s so fun!
I’m gonna keep my eyes open for more crop tops! (Think Forever 21- such a wallet friendly place) Be open to all kinds of styles no matter your age! You can make anything fit your own vibe!
So last night, I had to unwind before going to bed. Work this week was not a pleasant experience. (For some reason I feel like work should be fun! It shouldn’t be work, I don’t know where I’ve got this odd idea)
My Oprah magazine came in the mail and I thought I would read a bit to focus on something else!
I found an article on Menopause and thought I would see if there’s anything in it to help explain WTH my life feels the way it does 😂😆 I was genuinely curious.
So, to give a little background. Thursday in heading in the door to work and finding out there isn’t an office – I felt this crazy surge of rage (and freak I’m not an angry person) and an image popped into my head of myself “throwing my metal water bottle at the speed of light smashing through the big glass window” in our main front office-WTH is wrong with me??
Anyway, back to my magazine and article on menopause. Did you know, unreasonable anger is a symptom of menopause?? When I read that, I thought you gotta be kidding me!! All this time I wondered if I was going crazy or if I was a bad person or somehow I’ve been crazy all along. Trust me, these are odd thoughts for me as a therapist but this totally makes sense to me.
There have been soooo many times at the checkout or in traffic or at work that I just feel outrageously angry and I never knew this is normal for a woman going through menopause.
First off, it might just be lucky that we don’t have many menopausal women going postal out in public cause I’ve managed to control my flash of anger but how is everyone else doing it?
Holy cow, wouldn’t it be nice if someone let us know this is what to expect when we will never be expecting?? Hopefully one day my hormones will settle down and I’ll be my normal self again.