Category Archives: acceptance

I know who I Am

acceptance, All About Me, Be Brave, challenges, Hair Loss, health, i am enough, other peoples opinions, Perspective, proud of me, self talk

Last week I participated in part two of a training at my work for DBT with clients with psychosis.

The trainer was on zoom and next to her name was (they, their).

I made a comment on some content and the trainer referred to me and my comment as “they just said”…. I responded in private chat to refer to me as she/her yet the trainer did not acknowledge what I asked.

I was stunned. I was angry. I am not a they.

This goes back to an irrational thought I have due to my hair loss and my hair style -(not wearing wigs anymore because it causes me more neck pain and headaches) that I am not feminine “enough”. It’s an irrational “not enough” thought.

I know this is a thought and is not a fact. Logically I know this; and when this person referred to me as they, this thought raised its ugly head. It’s an ugly thought, it’s not a fact.

I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father who loves me. I know who I am. I am not neutral; I am a woman, friend, daughter, mother, and grandmother. I am worthwhile and important and that doesn’t have anything to do with my appearance.

I can note my appearance because my hair curls in the front like my dad, my lips have the shape of my mother, I have dark eyes like my great grandmother. My children have physical traits of mine passed on. My appearance connects me to my ancestors and to my progeny.

After this happened last Thursday, I had two strangers comment flattering about my appearance/hair and two people I know comment flattering about my appearance/hair. It reminded me that one person’s opinion is not a fact. I see this as a sign that my Heavenly Father knew my heart and tried to soothe my wounds and remind me who I am.

I KNOW WHO I AM

Therapist Difficulties

acceptance, All About Me, challenges, distractions, Grateful, mental health, mental illness, therapist

Hey friends

On Friday I found out that a recent client had committed suicide. This is a complicated emotional experience for me because he was a difficult client.

He didn’t want help, he liked his suicide thoughts-he romanticized them. He also had some narcissistic personality traits and tried to make everything a debate. Most times he wouldn’t do DBT (a therapeutic intervention for people with Borderline Personality Disorder and works very well with suicide and self harm thoughts), and he stooped taking his medication several times.

He left treatment with me when I told him he needed to have boundaries with a friend he often talked about suicide and self harm (glorifying and romanticizing) -they had both been in the hospital twice very recently at this time and I felt the risk was too high for me to be his therapist as he continued this friendship.

He wouldn’t accept my limits and left. He also was somewhat nasty to me as he left-I told him I wished him well and enjoyed getting to know him-he retorted “I wish I could say the same”-he was very mentally ill. And often destroyed relationships as a way to control how others felt about him.

I’m angry at him for not accepting help. I’m sad for his family-his sister found him. I’m sad sometimes that I work in this wonderful and terrible field.

Yesterday I (we) painted our bathroom-the second to last room in our project of re painting the inside of our house after living here for 13 years.

I did not once think of my work. I was on a ladder, I was sitting on the floor, I was going up and down my stairs and completely focused on the task at hand. I’ve never been so thankful to be distracted by hard work. What a blessing not to think about work.

Hard work is a blessing.

Hair Dilemma

acceptance, All About Me, Hair, Hair Loss

Happy Thursday everyone!

So I have a dilemma.

I have some gorgeous wigs that I love.

I also have a neck injury which I am seeing specialists to help with pain. I received two shots in my head (my occipital nerves are pinched-as they go around my scalp on the right side).

My headaches and general pain is decreased but I wore my cute blonde wig for a few hours on Monday and 🔥🔥I was in such pain!

So…I can’t wear wigs right now. Who knows how long that will last.

I am now wearing my own hair although it’s pretty thin. I do like the color-it’s mostly silver with some black/brown. It makes me think of Storm on X-Men 😂

I just need some shaping-trimming as it is different lengths in different spots.

I guess I don’t have a dilemma. I’ll be who I am and wear my own hair.

Score for me!

Be You too!

Pretty Perspective

acceptance, All About Me, Beauty, challenges, Changes, Grateful, i am enough, mental health

I remember growing up compliments on my outward appearance were rare.

I heard the skin on my legs and arms looked smooth. I heard my hands/fingers were long and shapely.

I had acne, I struggled with styling my hair, my teeth were stained because my mom used a certain antibiotic while pregnant with me, and I fell on the ice and knocked a tooth out. I did not ever think I was pretty but I thought I was important to my Heavenly Father.

Then as an adult (with four children) I ran into a couple from my youth. I worked part time at Mervyns while attending university. They stood agape at me when I said hello, “you are pretty” they said but their tone sounded incredulous like what the hell happened to you?? I didn’t know whether to say thank you or be offended.

I thought it was odd because I had not changed as a person. I had matured, still had acne (I have rosacea now which is very similar) I did fix my two front teeth-one that broke when I was 17 and the other chipped several times by my rambunctious children. I experienced several challenges and overcame and I think more confident in myself.

I realized then that other people’s view of me is not important and interestingly enough changes all the time. My view of myself is what is important and it should not be based on my appearance because it also changes every year. My appearance is a ever changing landscape. I am grateful to have the chance to live and experience; I am less grateful for chronic pain but it sure is nice when I don’t notice it.

I am grateful to be a daughter, mother, wife, grandmother, friend, co worker, therapist, hard worker, fun loving, funny (sometimes only I think this 😂) caring, loving, kind, thoughtful, determined, and creative person. None of this has anything to do with my appearance. Thank goodness for that.

I’m the same person in all these pictures no matter my appearance.

The Long Week

2020, acceptance, All About Me, Be Brave, challenges, i am enough

So tomorrow I go back to work. I’ve had the last four days off. The storm is coming….

Several therapists-co workers are off this week, both our psychiatrists, three of our directors, and several mentor staff…

Tomorrow morning I have a process group with perhaps 30 people. It’s less than ideal but many people are on PTO.

I am just taking the attitude that I can only do my best and then…

It’s only four days (I have Friday off) and what I can’t do-does not matter.

Frodo eventually returned the ring to the fires of Mordor. I can get through four days.

Faced and Masked

A New Day, acceptance, challenges, Changes

Hello friends!

Now that I’m, and many others are wearing masks every day when not at home I’m noticing some things.

I’ll be in my office, alone-not required to wear a mask while alone in a room- and I’ve had my mask on for at least 15 minutes.

My husband and I leave a store and he’s mumbling while we drive home-I realize he still has his mask on.

I used to think people in their cars with masks on must be weirdos but now I know

It’s like wearing a bra (maybe this is a stretch) -lets go with PANTS. Once you get used to wearing pants you kinda forget they’re there. I think it’s the same now with masks. Now we’ve got used to wearing masks we forget they’re there.

Don’t judge the people in their car with masks on, our world has changed and it’s the new norm.

No Makeup No Problem

2020, acceptance, age positivity, Aging, All About Me, body positivity, Grateful, i am enough, mental health, self care

There’s this idea that our appearance is the determination of our worth. Or our amount of followers determine our worth. Or our net worth/finances determine our personal worth.

You get where I’m going right?

Our worth as individuals is not dictated by appearance, weight, hair, social standing, financial status, or number of followers.

We are worthy because we are human beings-deserving of love and connection each of us no matter our appearance, age, weight, money, or status.

Let’s start valuing and loving ourselves (this includes our bodies-no matter our appearance or ability)

My 2020 mantra-YOU ARE ENOUGH

(No makeup-no problem)

Survivor 2020

2020, acceptance, age positivity, Aging, All About Me, Be Brave, survivor

Lots of women right now are on social media talking about their Covid weight and how they’re planning on, participating, or advertising a new diet.

I think we all need to congratulate ourselves for living in 2020. It’s been stressful, it’s different, sometimes it’s scary, we are isolated from other people, they are also weird natural disasters going on, along with political and racial conflict too.

Oh and masks! Wear a mask, don’t wear a mask. Who knows right?

Maybe it’s ok to say-Hey thank goodness it’s almost September and I’m a survivor. My body and my mind are strong and I can do hard things.

Isn’t this more important than the stupid number on the scale?

I am surviving 2020-that’s the most important thing.

I AM ENOUGH

acceptance, age positivity, Aging, All About Me, Be Brave, body positivity, challenges, Grateful, Hair Loss, Happiness, health, i am enough, mental health, Perspective, proud of me, self care, women

Hello friends!

It took me a month or so to be brave to make this post.

At first I thought-maybe I should try to lose weight and then I caught myself. No not that. That is not right. I am enough.

Then this morning (when the stars aligned so to speak) I thought: my eyes are puffy. I have this red spot on my neck. Nooo not that again. I am enough.

It was also difficult to take a picture and be happy with one. I am enough.

I am enough, without makeup, with hair loss, in my body that is brave experiencing autoimmune disease, in my changing body, in my age. I am 56…..

I AM ENOUGH (even with all the pictures I did not like)

Grandparents

acceptance, All About Me, family, grandparents

Hello friends

My granddaughter’s grandpa died last week (on her fathers side). I am so sad for my sweet granddaughter. Grandparents are such a wonderful blessing.

My dad’s parents were a bigger part of my life after my mother died. I lived with them for a time after she died (I don’t remember how long but I think I remember asking where my dad was, that I missed him). Then I lived with my dad but spent many afternoons and weekends with my grandpa and grandma Dana.

I was especially close with my grandma Dana and she loved me unconditionally and tried to teach me it wasn’t important to be popular or pretty; that there were other things in life more important. My grandma and grandpa Dana both passed away before I graduated high school.

I was blessed to still have my grandma and grandpa Lindberg, my mother’s parents. I spent the rest of my life until about 10 years ago building an adult relationship with my grandma. It was the best thing ever, to have her in my life this long. I always felt loved and accepted around her. My grandpa died last year and he was an example to me. What a blessing to have them both through my adult life.

I hope I can be as loving and nonjudgmental with my granddaughter as my grandparents were with me. Grandparents are a special gift.