All posts by hautechocolate4fashion

Therapist Difficulties

Hey friends

On Friday I found out that a recent client had committed suicide. This is a complicated emotional experience for me because he was a difficult client.

He didn’t want help, he liked his suicide thoughts-he romanticized them. He also had some narcissistic personality traits and tried to make everything a debate. Most times he wouldn’t do DBT (a therapeutic intervention for people with Borderline Personality Disorder and works very well with suicide and self harm thoughts), and he stooped taking his medication several times.

He left treatment with me when I told him he needed to have boundaries with a friend he often talked about suicide and self harm (glorifying and romanticizing) -they had both been in the hospital twice very recently at this time and I felt the risk was too high for me to be his therapist as he continued this friendship.

He wouldn’t accept my limits and left. He also was somewhat nasty to me as he left-I told him I wished him well and enjoyed getting to know him-he retorted “I wish I could say the same”-he was very mentally ill. And often destroyed relationships as a way to control how others felt about him.

I’m angry at him for not accepting help. I’m sad for his family-his sister found him. I’m sad sometimes that I work in this wonderful and terrible field.

Yesterday I (we) painted our bathroom-the second to last room in our project of re painting the inside of our house after living here for 13 years.

I did not once think of my work. I was on a ladder, I was sitting on the floor, I was going up and down my stairs and completely focused on the task at hand. I’ve never been so thankful to be distracted by hard work. What a blessing not to think about work.

Hard work is a blessing.

Adventure with a hint of danger

So I get a chance to take a last minute trip tonight (return flight Saturday night) with my son, daughter in law, grandchildren and DIL’s parents. My DIL works for an airline and can fly free along with her immediate family and parents-I can fly with a small charge.

Because I am flying kind of “stand by” there is always a chance I could get bumped if the airline sells the empty seats.

Our destination after the red eye flight tonight is Fort Lauderdale. A beach. Sand. Sunshine. I know, it’s so awesome and I’m very lucky.

There are a lot of open seats on the way there so chances are low of getting bumped. On the way back home there are fewer open seats and a higher chance of being bumped, having to get a hotel and stay in FL by myself.

At first that sounded scary.

Then I remembered my solo trip to Washington DC for a training and getting lost one day and close to death on a tour the next day. I survived. (Obviously) this is another blog post.

I also remembered another solo trip to Boston for a training and taking a trolley tour to see some of that beautiful city. No problems-I survived.

So I think to myself: SELF-you can do scary things. Be brave. Go to the beach for a day. It will be an adventure with a hint of danger.

What’s up Danger?? 😂

Internal Dialogue

I had a dream the other night that internal dialogue was recognized as a different language and was named something weird.

I woke up feeling a little confused but then realized I focus A LOT with my clients and personally on internal dialogue.

Do you speak to yourself in your thoughts or out loud-things you would never say to another person? This is called negative self talk (it hasn’t been named something weird LOL) but I am betting most people do not pay much attention to the language they use with themselves.

If you use negative, demeaning, bullying judgmental, or unnecessary apologizing-you might be stuck in negative self talk.

Be mindful of how you speak to yourself-you never know when you are listening and think what you say is true.

Hair Dilemma

Happy Thursday everyone!

So I have a dilemma.

I have some gorgeous wigs that I love.

I also have a neck injury which I am seeing specialists to help with pain. I received two shots in my head (my occipital nerves are pinched-as they go around my scalp on the right side).

My headaches and general pain is decreased but I wore my cute blonde wig for a few hours on Monday and 🔥🔥I was in such pain!

So…I can’t wear wigs right now. Who knows how long that will last.

I am now wearing my own hair although it’s pretty thin. I do like the color-it’s mostly silver with some black/brown. It makes me think of Storm on X-Men 😂

I just need some shaping-trimming as it is different lengths in different spots.

I guess I don’t have a dilemma. I’ll be who I am and wear my own hair.

Score for me!

Be You too!

Pretty Perspective

I remember growing up compliments on my outward appearance were rare.

I heard the skin on my legs and arms looked smooth. I heard my hands/fingers were long and shapely.

I had acne, I struggled with styling my hair, my teeth were stained because my mom used a certain antibiotic while pregnant with me, and I fell on the ice and knocked a tooth out. I did not ever think I was pretty but I thought I was important to my Heavenly Father.

Then as an adult (with four children) I ran into a couple from my youth. I worked part time at Mervyns while attending university. They stood agape at me when I said hello, “you are pretty” they said but their tone sounded incredulous like what the hell happened to you?? I didn’t know whether to say thank you or be offended.

I thought it was odd because I had not changed as a person. I had matured, still had acne (I have rosacea now which is very similar) I did fix my two front teeth-one that broke when I was 17 and the other chipped several times by my rambunctious children. I experienced several challenges and overcame and I think more confident in myself.

I realized then that other people’s view of me is not important and interestingly enough changes all the time. My view of myself is what is important and it should not be based on my appearance because it also changes every year. My appearance is a ever changing landscape. I am grateful to have the chance to live and experience; I am less grateful for chronic pain but it sure is nice when I don’t notice it.

I am grateful to be a daughter, mother, wife, grandmother, friend, co worker, therapist, hard worker, fun loving, funny (sometimes only I think this 😂) caring, loving, kind, thoughtful, determined, and creative person. None of this has anything to do with my appearance. Thank goodness for that.

I’m the same person in all these pictures no matter my appearance.

New Year’s Resolutions for Real Life

Hi there!

I’m done with Monday work and counting down the days to Friday and being off.

I noticed several people on IG posting their “body resolution goals” for next year ie… I’m gonna get rid of my pouch (really judgmental term for a part of your body that performs vital functions) or tone by legs (legs really help me walk and go up and down stairs) or tame the “beast” (referring to the largest muscle in our body that keeps us upright).

This line of thinking is just DUMB.

Want to know my two resolutions??

I will practice being kind to my co workers and clients-I do like to help people and I still need my job so I think this is vital.

I will practice being kind to family and friends. These are important relationships and I love these people. It’s been hard to be kind because the last two years I’ve been in terrible chronic pain. Pain really affects my ability to walk, sleep, think, interact, or any desire for anything else. It’s debilitating, so when I say I need to be kind-I am trying real hard.

These are my two resolutions and I will make mistakes and that is ok because I am a human being.

The Long Week

So tomorrow I go back to work. I’ve had the last four days off. The storm is coming….

Several therapists-co workers are off this week, both our psychiatrists, three of our directors, and several mentor staff…

Tomorrow morning I have a process group with perhaps 30 people. It’s less than ideal but many people are on PTO.

I am just taking the attitude that I can only do my best and then…

It’s only four days (I have Friday off) and what I can’t do-does not matter.

Frodo eventually returned the ring to the fires of Mordor. I can get through four days.

Sugar sweet and Low Down

Hi friends!

Boy it’s been a crazy year-that’s all I can say. Work has been difficult and I’m battling loneliness with all the covid restrictions. I go to work but half the time my clients hate me so it’s not a solution for loneliness.

Something else happened:

I got labs (blood work) back from my naturopath that treats my autoimmune disease. He said my antibodies for Hashimotos look real good-that I almost look in remission (of course that doesn’t change my hair loss-weirdly enough). But he added that my blood sugar and insulin are super high and my cortisol is in the opposite direction it should be.

He asked if I was stressed.

No shit Sherlock. I am always stressed.

So now I can’t eat potatoes, rice, corn, carrots, NO CHEETOS and basically no sugar or simple carbs (just to make 2020 more fun).

I haven’t had ANY of this since Wednesday. I almost fall asleep at 5pm.

Does this mean I’m withdrawing from sugar?? Asking for a friend that obviously can eat whatever he wants.

Halloween Makeup Fun

Now that Halloween is over, I can share with you all the Halloween makeup looks I tried this week. I didn’t have a costume but instead tried to do several different eye make up looks. Remember I am not a trained makeup artist so I think I did pretty good!

My first one was a spider! I might even use the colors in my regular day because I think it complements my eye color.

My second one was just black and orange. Typically orange is not a good color on me but it turned out ok.

My third look is a more cartoon witchy color with purple, orange, and black.

By the fourth day I am super tired of orange. It’s just not me! 😂 so I tried to copy some colors from the Disney character Maleficent. I used a couple different shades of green with gold and black. It was more fun and I have some green/gold flecks in my brown eyes.

On Halloween I decided to try a clown look with black, pink, and gray. It’s kind of chalky for me but it was fun although hard to take off at night 😢

I also used my different wigs with my Halloween looks which I thought was fun!

I hope this gives you ideas of how many different ways you can use makeup for Halloween!

Time with my boys

Hey friends, I’ve just had the best weekend.

Friday night some of my grandkids came over and played with the nerf guns I juts snagged at Costco. Those little foam balls were everywhere and I loved it!

Yesterday I joined my two adult boys in a shooting expedition! My oldest son brought his WWII rifle-a Mosin Nagant built in 1938.

My second son brought his .22 and his 12 gauge shotgun.

I brought my 9mm Glock.

My boys are so smart and safe. They drive up the canyon, scoped out an area next to the mountain, made sure no other people were around us, they brought water bottles to shoot and a shovel just in case the gun fire started sparks. When someone got ready to shoot, we each ask – are you guys ready? Meaning-do you have your ear protection on-are you in the right area back from the shooter-is it safe-and then after shooting-can I check my shots?

I am so proud of them as men, they are both good, responsible, and thoughtful men. I got to shoot both of their guns which I felt honored to do so-that they trust me enough to do this and enjoy in their fun.

We did have fun! We had several targets we blew up, we shot the heck out of many filled water bottles, several used racquetballs and tennis balls now have holes in them, we expended lots of different ammo and shared each other’s guns. What fun, what memories, what joy to spend time with my boys.